i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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