Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
