I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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