I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
