You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
