I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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