I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
