Will you blow on my dice?
What a fucking waste of an outfit
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
