I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
