This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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