Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
