i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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