I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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