I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
