Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
