i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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