So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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