Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
