it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
