dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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