when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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