We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
