Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
