I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
