needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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