So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who died my cat blue again?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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