Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
