Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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