if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
