hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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