Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
