Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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