I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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