i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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