Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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