The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
