My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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