He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
