Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
