I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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