cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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