Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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