How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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