I'm so fucking centered right now
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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