I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
