If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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