dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
