DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
