so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
