just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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