Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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